My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
