So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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