Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
