i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel like death gave me a hand job
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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