Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
