she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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