I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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