Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
