I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
