How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
