dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
