I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
