i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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