Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
