he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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