I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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