I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
