I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
