It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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