Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
