as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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