Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
