I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
