Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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