I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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