I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
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But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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