apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
