nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
