my phone needs a breathalizer
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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