I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
