my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
