I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
