if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
