Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
being pregnant is like rehab
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
