i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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