I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Your penis caused this!
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