This gyro tastes like lonliness
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
