Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
