1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
