Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
