i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
