My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
