I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
