You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.