the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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