i already hear my dad disowning me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
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you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.