You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
