My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
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