That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have feelings that need drinking.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
