Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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