No stitches, just platelets and will power
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
