Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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