he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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