so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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