saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
