Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
