Your dad touched me again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
