does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Randomize
