Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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