I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
