I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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