woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
