bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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