onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
